turning 22 wasn't that exciting, contrary to how i imagined it to be. nothing special happened on that day. okay, i did have several get-together events with my family and friends, which were fun and worth remembering, however, nothing else happened beyond those things. before, i used to think that my 22nd birthday will be extra special -- money to buy all the things i want, one big crazy party with my friends, and a spectacular threesome, which i'll forever remember. but unfortunately, none of those things materialized. instead, i only had my first-pay to spend, simple get-together gatherings with my family and friends (yes, i still need to celebrate it with other people) and a quickie, which was not that fun (for some weird reason). i think that i'm blaming my inherent naivete and this grueling adjustment to 'adulthood' for this unnecessary frustration.

***

speaking of 'adulthood', one of my college friends and i had this interesting conversation about it. while i was waiting for my day to end in the office, i got the chance to catch up with this college friend of mine, who i consider as my 'soul sister' (yes, it's so gay...). anyway, she was telling me how she's so scared right now because she doesn't know how to reach her dreams anymore. she already has everything planned out, but she's totally lost on how to execute her plans. everything seems blurry and uncertain. and what scares her most is the possibility that she won't be abe to achieve the things she set before. 

anyway, while i was reading her rants on ym, i can't help but agree with the things she's telling me. my life is also kinda fucked up right now, because of the several unexpected turns i made, which aren't part of my original plan. so right now, i'm like a lost kid in a city who doesn't know which road to take to get home.

moreover, the fear of failing further exacerbates this agony because we don't want to be considered as a failure by other people -- especially those around us. i think that this has been worsened by the fact that in our society, we were made to believe that we'll 'definitely' be successful in our lives -- since we studied in a prestigous university and we already have the advantage against our so-called competitors. hence, it will be a great shame if ever we fail. 

i know that this is so shallow and stupid because everyone fails -- no matter who you are and where you come from. however, the idealism that we have as fresh graduates makes us disillusional that we can be invulnerable to it. that's why whenever we see failure coming, we suddenly get a taste of 'reality' while experiencing that huge blow to our ego -- something that totally scares most of us.

 so to cut the story short, it seems that many of my friends and i are now lost on how to get to the next point and is further disturbed by the possibility of failure while trying to get there. i know that this 'crisis' is normal since we're still adjusting to life outside school. however, what if we can't adjust at all -- what will happen to us then? is it the end of the line for us?

yes, i'm such a fan of having a quarter-life crisis. 

***
minor updates:

1) i just had first minor car accident (since i started driving a manual car) because of my low dexterity and sheer stupidity. i'm just thankful i didn't hit any mobile objects (a.k.a. cars) at that time. hence, i'm taking a short break from driving.
2) i'm broke and i'm wishing that my parents taught me how to budget my money when i was still in school.
3) i just received the confirmation letter from NUS. now, i'm just waiting for the results
4) i went out on 'date' the other day. it was fun and interesting, although i'm not sure whether or it's just a friendly date or not.
5) i'm back on reading my stuff. i'm planning to read at least one book a month -- especially books on IR and terrorism